I’ve never been the type of person to identify religiously. I wasn’t raised “in the church” and the only experiences with formal religion that I had were the random Sundays that one of my grandmas would drag me to church. At the same time, I’ve never identified as atheist or agnostic either.
That being said, I don’t think I was ever sure that a higher being, in my case a Christian God, existed. When conversations about religion arose, I would answer that I had been raised Catholic, although I had never been baptized, had my first communion or been versed in the teachings of Catholicism. When I was asked, “Do you believe in God?” I obediently answered yes because that was the right answer, but I always had a nagging voice in the back of my head that questioned my answer as it left my mouth.
Knowing that very few people would ever ask me what spirituality actually meant to me, and not knowing exactly what I meant by that myself, I found comfort in the ambiguity of the word and labeled myself as such. I liked that “spirituality” didn’t dictate how I should or shouldn’t live my life and there was nothing about spirituality that was out of line with my existing moral code or views.
As I’ve grown, I’ve made the decision to hone in my spiritual beliefs and actually define what that means for me. It’s been a long process of introspection and internal conflicts and conversations, only ever vocalizing my journey and beliefs to my boyfriend. Only recently have I decided to branch out and search for my meaning in religious groups and I have to admit, regarding that aspect of my life, it’s been the best decision I’ve ever made.
My journey toward defining my spirituality started with one person, Erika Michelle Wright. A friend who never pushed religion or Jesus down my throat, but now that I look back, gently placed bread crumbs of Christ down my path for me to follow when I was ready.
Through her, I’ve been introduced to a whole new take on Jesus. That take is life group and it’s been my salvation. I’ve always felt the need to have hard evidence of the existence of Jesus Christ and at a point in time, I had accepted that I would never get that proof and live my whole life wondering if this man was real?
Life group changed that for me. While it wasn’t the hard proof I expected to receive, it was the proof that I needed. I watched as this small group of people experienced the love of a man they had never physically known and thought to myself, how could I doubt His existence? When I was in their presence, I felt the peace they so often experienced when they were in His presence and wondered what I was missing. I looked on as healing happened before my eyes and asked myself why I had been so afraid to be a part of something so special.
All of the small miracles I experienced in life group made a difference, but my mind didn’t completely change until I started to have personal experiences with Christ. I’d never experienced anything with Jesus —or if I had, I had chalked it up to coincidence, but then things began to happen in my life that I felt were the direct result of my seeking a relationship with Him. There were instances were I felt I was in a certain place for a certain reason, times when I felt that if I hadn’t had such a spiritual presence in the car an accident would have happened.
The most mind changing experience I’ve had was physical healing. I suffer from very constant, very annoying and very bad headaches. There was one night that I had one and felt like my head was going to explode. It was so bad I couldn’t get myself to sleep despite the dark room and no noise. At that point, my only escape was to pray. Which was really new to me because my logical answer for getting out of a bad situation has never been prayer.
I thought of life group and knew that had I been there with such a headache, I would’ve asked for everyone to pray over me. I decided I would have to do it myself and hope for the same results I would expect had I been with my more experienced counterparts. With my little praying experience, I thought channeling life group would give me the best results. I thought of the music we played and the songs we sang and within 3 minutes a peace came over me, my headache wasn’t gone, but I could feel His presence in the room. With that bit of success, I began praying, not knowing what to say, I did the best I could and after ten minutes of talking to God, my headache was gone and I was able to sleep peacefully.
It was after that experience that I asked myself how I could ever doubt such a powerful being.
In the few weeks that I’ve attended life group, my views regarding religion and spirituality and my life have changed. I haven’t turned into a preachy person who finds every reason to enlighten the next person on what they’re missing. I’m not sure that I ever will be that person. I know that I will probably never have child-like faith, because it’s not in my personality, but I’ve learned that it’s okay to have questions so long as you seek answers. I still believe in things that are not in line with Christian teachings and those beliefs will probably never change. I still consider myself spiritual rather than religious, but if someone came up to me today and asked if I believe in God, I could answer, without a doubt, yes. You can’t not believe in Him after you’ve experienced Him.
One of the things I disliked most about religion was that it was a communal experience. I’m a private person and vulnerability is not a strong suit for me, thus I’ve never been excited about sharing such an intimate relationship with a congregation. I’ve always felt like religion meant seeking validation about your relationship with God from a hierarchy of people, whereas spirituality meant not needing validation to know that your relationship with God was where it needed to be. That you had a “correct” moral code and knew right from wrong without having to have someone preach it at you.
In short, religion was for the weak who needed a physical sense of authority and guidance where spirituality was for those who could do it on their own. Just themselves and God. I think I had it reversed.
While I still don’t like the communal aspect of an organized religion, I think religion is for the strong. It’s for the people who are up for the challenge of living by a moral code that’s set in stone and knowing that they’ll have consequences to face, even if they aren’t immediate or physical. Undefined spirituality, on the other hand, is for the weak. For people who want to be lukewarm, never picking a side and never having to defend what they believe in.
That being said, I don’t think spirituality itself is for the weak. I believe that you can be spiritual and strong, just don’t use the ambiguity of the word as a scapegoat for having to define your beliefs. Spirituality shouldn’t mean that you can escape deciding whether or not you believe in God or whether or not you agree with a certain religion, whatever that may be for you. Spirituality, to me, should mean that you’re confident in your beliefs and your moral code, whether or not those align with a defined, rigid, organized religion. That you are confident in your relationship with your higher being and know that you’re living in such a way that would satisfy yourself and that being.
Like everyone else, I’m a work in progress. I won’t say “never” about anything. Maybe one day I’ll wake up and be a completely religious being and wonder how I could’ve been so blind. Maybe I won’t. But on that note, I do encourage everyone to simply start by being confident in your beliefs, whatever they may be.
I won’t ever look down on someone for having different opinions. I won’t ever tell someone that their religion, spirituality or lack there of is wrong, because I don’t know what their experiences have been to help them reach that decision, but I will always ask just enough questions to decide for myself whether or not someone is confident in what they believe in, because that matters a great deal.
Maybe you don’t believe in anything, but maybe that’s part of your life plan. However, if you have the confidence to fiercely and passionately believe in nothing, you’ll have that same fire and passion to fiercely believe in Jesus (whatever form he comes in for you —spirituality, a religion, be what it will) when he touches your life.
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